Advice
Witless passenger behavior
A primer for dolts, nitwits and nincompoops
It's a common battle cry among today's travelers and travel writers: “The airlines suck!“
Maybe they do. I am no fan of the airlines, but I am not a blustering critic of them either. It’s the passengers I think need fixing. Sure, people get frustrated when they’re flying—some even get dangerous. But it’s the dimwitted passengers who really exasperate me—far more than the airlines that take them aloft.
Where do these bozos come from? Can there really be that many natural-born nimrods in the flying population? No, it's not possible. There has to be some training involved—some online university or correspondence school that offers courses in “Witless Passenger Behavior.”
Though I was unable to get my hands on an official course syllabus, here is a list of what must be among the top 10 student-performance measures for Witless Passenger Behavior 101. I am sure you will recognize graduates of this course. In fact, one may be seated next to you at this very moment.
1. Make your presence known.
Refrain from bathing for a couple of days before traveling.
2. Arrive at the airport early.
This will allow plenty of time to get tanked up on booze before boarding.
3. Relieve baggage-handling pressures.
Carry on all your luggage, no matter how much crap you are dragging along with you. In fact, the more you can schlep down the aisle and cram into an overhead compartment, the higher your grade.
4. Board immediately.
No matter the location of your assigned seat, try to be first to board so that others have to struggle around you.
5. Get comfortable.
Immediately following takeoff, drop your seat to its maximum reclined position. Complete this operation in a rapid, jerky movement so as to mash the knees of the passenger behind you and spill his drink.
6. Prepare your station.
Release your tray table from its locked position and allow it to free-fall until it bounces to a standstill. Repeat this maneuver several times during the flight. If you have children, do not permit them to do this. Instead, instruct them to use the tray as a drum set.
7. Move around a lot.
But wait until the flight attendants have rolled service carts into the aisle before leaving your seat.
8. Keep other passengers alert. When returning to your seat, grab hold of the seat back in front of you as you plunk yourself down. Maintain your grip until the seat back is cocked, then release it quickly so as to launch the passenger in front of you into his tray table.
9. Share the joy.
When traveling with young children, bring nothing to occupy their attention during the flight. Instead, allow the little gomers to roam freely through and over the other passengers. Screaming is encouraged. Oh, and if the little darlings need their diapers changed, don’t worry about it. Just use an adjoining seat.
10. Deplane immediately.
Make sure that you are the first person out of his seat as your flight reaches its destination. (Extra credit is awarded for standing before the plane reaches its gate so that the pilot must wait for you to be reseated.) Then make sure to unload all your junk into the aisles so that others are trapped behind you while you organize your departure.
I've met my share of Witless Passenger Behavior graduates, and they are a remarkably modest lot. When asked, “Are you Witless or what?” they just look politely puzzled. Why, you’d think they’d never been to school at all.
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