Never shake hands with a traveling man

You won't find this advice in any travel guide

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There is a particular, self-satisfying activity in which I indulge when I'm traveling. In fact, I do it a lot—maybe even more than when I'm at home.

I don't deny it, and what's more, I'm sure I'm not alone in doing it. My gosh, there have even been occasions when I've witnessed other men doing it—not that I've been looking, of course. Indeed, my bet is that most men do it when they travel by themselves. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here and say that all men do it when they travel.

So all us guys do it when traveling, but it is never mentioned by travel agents and never, ever written about by travel writers ... until now. But the cat—or whatever you want to call it—is about to be let out of the bag.

Here goes: When we travel, we micturate.* I know of men who have micturated in airports, in train stations, in convention centers and, of course, in their hotel rooms. I personally have micturated on airplanes, trains and even boats. There, I've said it.    

Now that this is out in the open, I want to turn your attention to what goes on—or, more correctly, what doesn't go on—after male travelers micturate. In the utterly unscientific field research I've conducted on this topic in airport restrooms over many years of travel, two significant facts have come to light. First, about half of the men I observed micturating went straight from the urinals to the exits. They didn't stop to wash their hands, though some did pause to straighten their shirts or to comb over their swoops.

To me, this finding is astounding. Didn't these guys learn anything in grammar school? Mrs. Moore must have told us a million times in second grade, "Wash your hands after visiting the restroom." (What she never told us is why she referred to it as "visiting," as though we were on some kind of vacation when we were in there.) Either these guys in the airports never went to grammar school or they believe that washing their hands after a trip to the john is somehow unmanly. I don't see it as unmanly, but I do see it as unsanitary—not to mention gross.

At best, the conditions of sanitation in public restrooms are uncertain. At worst, they are perilous. Think of restrooms as life-size petri dishes providing room and board for all kinds of icky microorganisms. Uncouthness aside, not washing your hands frequently while traveling is one of the surest ways to catch some bug. And there are probably no greater bug population densities than can be found in public restrooms.

The lesson from my research, then, is clear: Micturate, wash up, and don't shake hands with a traveling man. (Except me. I wash.)

Oh, I almost forgot the other significant fact that came from my airport restroom research: I was never hauled in for questioning by the airport police regarding my behavior of watching what other men were doing while "visiting the restroom."
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* Micturate (def.) = to urinate. Also: to pee, to piss, to pass water, to relieve oneself, to see a man about a horse, to take a leak (though don't you think it really ought to be "to leave a leak"?)

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Related Err Travel columns

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Airports to remove most restroom sinks-- Measure to save $38 million a year in U.S. alone
Airplane lavatories to disappear -- Micturition prohibition
Company expects to clean up with private lavatories -- The rich now have more places to "go"

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