Advice

Parasites in paradise

I mix my own brand of criminal repellent

The Hawaiian Islands, for all their allure, are squarely in the tropics and support all the environmental conditions that appeal to blood sucking parasites. So on my latest trip to the islands, I was ready. I packed plenty of Cutter insect repellent. (Being ticked-off while traveling is bad enough; being "ticked-on" can be a whole lot worse.)  

So how smug I felt when my wife and I checked into a condo for a week on Kauai's Poipu Beach. There it was. Along with our keys was a note that read, "Sometimes there are parasites in paradise who prey upon the unsuspecting few." Aha! I'm ready. I've got my Cutter, and according to the blister pack, "all the protection [needed] for a day outdoors."  

The note read on: "Wherever you are, it is always a good idea to protect yourself and your valuables." Your valuables? The mosquitoes here must be huge.

I read further: "Be sure to lock your vehicles... take your valuables with you... be certain that your lanai doors are secure." Huge? They must be GIGANTIC!  

I'm a travel safety and security expert, and I've never heard of parasites so enormous that....Wait a minute....I get it.  

Of course! I have heard of these oversized vermin. They are not indigenous just to the tropics. They can be found here, in the arctic, and all places in between. And Cutter isn't going to do us any good against these bloodsuckers. It may make us "invisible to bugs," but with our Coppertone smeared, Casper-colored faces sticking out of our matching Hawaiian print shirt/muu muu combo set from Hilo Hattie's we are anything but invisible to humans with eyesight of 20/600 or better. Add to that the Kodak disposable cameras we are carrying, and the shiny new Budget rent-a-car we are riding around in and insect repellent has little chance of protecting us from the common, American, two-legged cockroach.  

We need something stronger, much stronger. We need "criminal repellent."  

Fortunately, I carry criminal repellent whenever I travel. It is my own concoction, and it seems to work pretty well. In the past while I've had it applied, I have been "bitten" only twice by lowlife bipeds. And the harm was minor, requiring no medical treatment. Once I had my telephone credit card number kyped by some unseen crook while using a pay phone in La Guardia airport; another time, in Kansas City, some delinquent somehow got into my locked hotel room while I was away and cleaned out the mini-bar. Nothing else, just the mini-bar. Go figure. I think my formula works pretty well.  

Here's my secret recipe for criminal repellent:

  • One part planning (I learn about the locale before I arrive)
  • One part vigilance (I try to be alert to what's going on around me)
  • One part caution (I'm suspicious of everybody)
  • Seven parts common sense (After all, this is not a miracle formula to cure cancer)  

This repellent works. Try it on your next trip wherever you expect to find pitiless parasites—i.e., everywhere.

P. S. Take some Cutter too.

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