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4 January 2007
Travel Rage Institute is founded
Calm down, mellow out, feel better
By Terry Riley
When I first heard of
"hotel rage," my thought was that another heavy metal band had trashed its
hotel suite. But that wasn’t the case. Instead it was some businessman who
went ballistic when he found out that his confirmed reservation would not
be honored due to "overbooking." (After my recent
experience at the Crowne Plaza, I found it easy to empathize with the
guy.)
My second thought was. "Rats, I'm about to miss the boat—again." (My
personal history bears out my worry. I've always been the last to catch
the wave of every craze that comes along. I was the last to buy
bell-bottoms. I missed the leisure suit fashion trend altogether. I’ve yet
to adopt a total quality management style. I don't own an iPod. And I
don't have a listing on MySpace.)
Well, I’m not going to miss this fad. Today I’m announcing the founding of
The International…no, make that
The Intergalactic Travel Rage Institute. The mission of the Institute
will be to treat travelers who suffer from Travel Rage Disorder or TRD. I
have even petitioned the American Psychiatric Association to add TRD to
the DSM-IV—the shrinks’ "official" manual of mental disorders.
Air Rage
Initially, the Institute will treat TRD that expresses itself as air
rage, or TRD-AR. This condition has persisted ever since Gerard Finneran,
a Connecticut businessman, became the poster boy for disruptive passenger
behavior when he got himself all liquored-up on a flight from Buenos Aires
to New York. He got so belligerent about not getting another glass of wine
that he dropped his pants and…. Well, let’s just say that Mr. Finneran's
behavior was quite unbecoming.
Ever since Mr. Finneran's episode a decade ago cases of travel rage are
reported almost daily. There appears to be plenty of opportunity to treat
TRD-AR patients.
Cab Rage
Following the successful
treatment of TRD-AR, the Institute will move into the area of treating
travelers who fall victim of cab rage, or TRD-CR. These patients are
usually identified by dilated eyes and empty wallets due to riding in
taxis that sometimes approach the speed of sound on busy city streets and
at the same time manage to take the longest routes between departure and
destinations points. Treatment will typically require 72-hours exposure to
Perry Como or Montavani recordings.
Restaurant Rage
As the use of cell phones
and web-enabled Blackberrys by narcissists intrude on the conversations
and casual chit-chat of nearby diners, restaurant rage (TRD-RR) will
become an increasingly common diagnosis. The prescription for TRD-RR, by
the way, is simple: Ask to be seated in the non-electronic sections of
restaurants.
(What?! There’s no legislation that requires restaurants to section off
non-electronic areas? Well there should be! It’s a damn shame! Those
self-important, trendy punks with their wireless devices oughta be strung
up by their t… Okay. Okay. Time out while I put on Montovani. Okay. I’m
better now. Okay.)
Hotel Rage
Finally the Institute will
treat travelers like the businessman whose plight was responsible for the
Institute’s establishment: those who are pushed around by hotels. These
sufferers are easy to diagnose but much less easy to treat. Associated
symptoms of hotel rage (TRD-HR) include sleeplessness due to all-night
parties in nearby rooms, shoulder pain from schlepping luggage to the
outer reaches of hotel properties, and blistered skin from standing in
showers as neighboring toilets are flushed.
Though quite common, TRD-HR is the most difficult to treat because often
times there are few options available to the sufferer. (Express your
dissatisfaction with a registration clerk at a hotel in Las Vegas during
the week of COMDEX, for instance, and you’ll find yourself staying at a
motel in Needles.)
Future Programs
The Institute will be
adding other programs—some on an outpatient basis, others requiring a
28-day residency—as it moves into the areas of treating TRD-KOP (Kids On
Planes), TRD-DRA (Doofus Reservation Agents), and—my favorite—TRD-STW
(Smart-ass Travel Writers). In the meantime, if you begin to experience
any TRD symptom, put your cell phone on vibrate, fire up your Blackberry
and visit the Institute's new interactive
travel rage counseling site before it's too late.
© 2007 Applied Psychology
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