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1 September 2006
Bidet mayday
Traveling down under
By Terry Riley
 I
get out of town a fair amount and consider myself to be in the top
quartile of sophistication when it comes to knowing what's what when
traveling. But I am an unquestionable ignoramus when it comes to bidets.
As a born and bred American, bidets never made an appearance in my world
until I traveled to Europe after high school. There I was confronted with
these curiosities that looked like toilets with seats that had gone
missing and with peculiar bubblers in the middle.
I found some variations to this basic design (e.g., stereo water streams,
stoppers in the basin, electronic controls), and because they were always
located in bathrooms, near the toilets, I was quick to eliminate some
probable functions. For instance, I determined that they were most likely
not for pre-soaking dishes nor were they water fountains for short people.
Hmm. But they could be foot baths, or they could be used to ice down beer,
or they could be...
Ohmygawd! I got it!
Once I understood the purpose, however, I was still in the dark about the
procedure—and have been for all the intervening years. Certainly I could
not be alone in my ignorance. There have to be thousands—no, millions(!)
of we Western travelers who encounter these porcelain puzzles every year.
So I decided to put and end to my ignorance and finally figure out how to
use these contraptions.
Off to my local bookstore I trotted in search of clues, if not
instructions. I first consulted Fodor's. Nothing. Then I turned to
Frommer's. Nada. Then Let's Go, Lonely Planet and
Rick Steves. Zip, zero, zilch.
Finally, as I was about to leave the travel book section, I plucked
Europe for Dummies from the shelf for a quick flip-through. There in
the index (listed, interestingly enough, between Bewley's Cafe in Dublin
and Biergarten Chinesischer Turm in Munich) I spotted "Bidet." Turning to
the appropriate page I found a single paragraph with a description of the
device and its intended use but still no directions.
Finding little in the way of anything close to a user's manual for these
contrivances on the bookshelves, I returned home and turned to the
Internet. Searching for "How to use a bidet," I discovered the information
I was looking for. In fact I found way more information about bidets,
plumbing and perineal hygiene than I was looking for—or really cared to
know.
So if you are among the millions of naïve travelers and bathroom goers who
have wondered how to operate these mysterious fixtures, I’ve got the
answer. But don’t call me. Instead go to
eHow or
wikiHow. There you will
find the straight poop on using bidets. (Hint: You may want to avoid
reviewing this information during your lunch break.)
Having studied the operational information I’ve now found, I may or may
not give these bidet gozmos a whirl, but one thing is certain: I’m for
sure finding another way to ice down my beer.
© 2006 Applied Psychology
Related Err Travel columns
Mirror, mirror on the stall - Clearly the
way to go
Je ne sais quoi - Get to—and
over—Europe
... and from Travel Fox:
Hotel group to
rate service stations - Flushing out fragrant violations of restroom
standards
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