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11 January 2006
There ought to be a law
Actually there is
By Terry Riley
In fact, there are thousands of laws on the books designed to prevent
people from behaving badly and to punish them if they do.
There are laws to deter the big offenses: robbery, kidnapping, murder,
terrorism. There are laws to discourage less corporal but still nasty
wrongdoings like larceny, embezzlement, and extortion.
Farther down the list of transgressions are less harmful behaviors like
soliciting and public intoxication. Near the bottom of infractions are
such things as jaywalking, fishing without a license, removing the
manufacturing labels from pillows and operating a leaf blower before 9
o’clock Sunday morning. (If there isn’t a leaf-blower law, there should
be.)
Somewhere among this range of offenses are ones that I, as an outdoors
vacationer, find particularly egregious. I raise this subject because I
witnessed many of these disgraceful offenses on a recent trip to a
national park. There, amid what should have been the wonders of nature, I
instead found the wickedness of humans. From trash at the scenic overlooks
to graffiti carved into 200-year-old trees, I was sickened.
I am now proposing new sentences for miscreants who are captured and
convicted of defacing, desecrating or otherwise mistreating our national
heritage. Here are some representative crimes and my proposed penalties.
Littering (even a single cigarette butt)
Two weeks in the slammer followed by 2,000 hours of community service
cleaning campground garbage bins.
Graffiti
Since these lowlife perpetrators like to paint, they should, after a
six-month prison sentence, be assigned for a year to the road-striping
crew. Their job: long, straight, sometimes broken, yellow lines.
Tramping protected areas
Those who beat up on fragile plants and animal habitats should be required
to tend to the patch of land they trampled, assuring that it remains
unmolested for… oh, let’s say a couple of years. That means being on-site
the whole time—no breaks, no vacations, no leaving the property.
Feeding the animals
One year in jail being fed an unhealthy diet—one that is high in fat and
processed sugar, low in fiber and organic nutrients. Oh, wait! Most perps
are already on that diet! So how ‘bout this: Offenders clean up the scene
and dispose of the carcasses of animals that have been killed by cars
while they were looking for handouts from people.
Carving into trees, picnic tables, benches, etc
Perpetrators should meet the same fate as their victims. A nice
arrowhead-shaped scar (like the National Park Service logo) seems
appropriate. On the forehead would be good.
Two more behaviors that are not yet punished by law—but ought to be—need to be addressed. The first is failure to control the loud and
bratty behavior of children. The punishment for the first offense
might be a warning and probation, but subsequent offences should be dealt
with harshly. A third strike should result in continuous exposure to
William Shatner singing (?) “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” from “The
Transformed Man” album.
The other behavior in need of correction is the use of cell phones
during guided ranger talks and while on any hiking trail. Punishment for
violations should be swift and firm. My recommendation: immediate
dismantling of the phone by any nearby citizen. (By the way, if you, like
me, think that cell phone use should be controlled in the national parks,
you can sign a petition sponsored by the Public Employees for
Environmental Responsibility to restrict the spread of cell coverage.)
Now, I know what many of you are thinking right about now: “Riley, these
penalties are not nearly severe enough.” I agree, of course, but I thought
a softer approach might rally more support.
Wait ’til I get really mad.
© 2006 Applied Psychology
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