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7 September 2005
Travel tips for doofuses
A primer for the primitive
By Terry Riley
I try to aim my columns at readers on the high end of the intelligence
spectrum. By doing so, however, I never connect with a rather large
portion of the traveling public. So in a drive to increase readership, I'm
downgrading my usual lofty advice to offer up some hints for traveling
nitwits.
Terry's Top Ten Transportation Travel Tips...
for Doofuses
 Pee before you board.
Sure, you don't have to go when you're sitting in the departure area, but
what about an hour later when the flight attendants start a beverage
service? Seeing them pouring all those juices and soft drinks will remind
your system to check things out and, sure enough, the ol' bladder will be
saying, "Hey! I gotta go, and I gotta go now."
Naturally, the beverage cart, which brought on this physiological crisis
in the first place, will be parked between you and the lavatory, so you'll
have to squeeze your butt between the cart and the face of some unlucky
passenger—twice.
Have your ID and boarding pass ready.
In general, gate agents work for the airlines, not the FBI. They don't
have your rap sheet or access to your police booking photos. They don't
know you, so they don't know you've been going straight for the past
half-dozen years. The only way they can confirm that you are who you say
you are is to compare you to your mug shot. And the only way they know
that you are supposed to be getting on the airplane is by eyeballing that
little stub you were given when you checked in.
Bring something to do.
An airplane is not a sports bar. Don't expect to be entertained while
you're in flight. If you bring nothing on board to help you pass the time,
you will have only your thoughts to occupy you. (It could be a vacuous few
hours.)
Nor is an airplane a Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant. So most definitely
bring something to keep your little bra... I mean, your
little children... busy. If you don't, they will find other ways to
entertain themselves, like using the tray tables as drum sets and the
aisles as racetracks.
Avoid midriff mistakes.
Girls—and women with the mistaken notion that they are still girls—should
leave those midriff-exposing outfits to the likes of Christina Aguilera
and Tyra Banks. Other passengers won't find it a treat to see your stomach
pooching out over your way-too-tight jeans.
Keep your chew in your pocket.
Chewing tobacco: Aagh!—a disgusting habit any way you cut it. And if
chewing weren't bad enough, there's the whole
drooling-and-spitting-tobacco-juice routine. It's enough to send me
to the lav. Sharing your chew, drool and spit may be appreciated by your
buddies back home but not by your fellow passengers on board.
Do your do in the lav.
If big hair is part of your look—and it does seem to be a popular fashion
essential for both men and women among traveling doofuses—do your do in
the lavatory. There are plenty of concerns that the guy behind you has
about his chicken dinner
without having to worry about hair flying over the seatback into his meal.
Wash your hands.
Pleeeeeese wash your hands after you've been in the lavatory. There are
enough germs circulating (and recirculating) in airplanes without you
dragging more out of the john to join the petri party.
Keep your shoes on.
Actually, I have mixed feelings about this tip because socks do a pretty
good job of cleaning splashed urine off the floor of airplane lavatories.
Nevertheless, just because your nose has become habituated to the stink of
your feet doesn't mean that your fellow passengers can't smell them.
Believe me, they can.
Watch your bag.
If you want to get something out of the overhead storage compartment while
in flight, open the compartment door slowly and grab your sack
firmly so you don't bop people on their heads with your paraphernalia.
Same goes for after you land.
Take your crap with you.
When you leave the plane, don't leave a pile of trash behind. Although
you may be a professional garbage collector, flight attendants are
not.
© 2005 Applied Psychology
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