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25 October 2000
Err-phemisms
Interpreting airline safety briefings
By Terry Riley
In a recent USA Today article, Blake Morrison
described how pilots are coached to carefully choose the words they use when addressing
passengers over an airplane's public address system. For instance, they are encouraged to
use "bumpy air" instead of "turbulence" and refer to
"thunderstorms" as "rain showers."
And as far as using the word "late"? Forget about it.
How weird, I thought, that pilots should fret about what they say over an airplane's
public address system. Do they really think that we can hear or understand what they say?
To me, all airborne announcements sound the pretty much the same: "gckkkckc
kckgckckcgk kkck gkckkk kkckg kckkkk kkkck ckckgkgk…." (And at the end of the
announcement the question from my seatmate is always the same too: "Wadeesay?")
What's the deal with airplane PA systems anyway? Here I am flying in a multi-million
dollar airplane and the pilot sounds like he's talking over electronics supplied by Fisher Price. On the other hand—and a
little worrisome are announcements made by flight attendants are much easier to hear than
those from the cockpit.
And what's the deal with those announcements, too? Though the information broadcast by
the flight attendants makes for easier listening, it is no less cryptic. So, as a public
service to Err Travel readers, here are how to interpret some of the public announcements
you may hear.
 "Customers seated in an exit row may need to open that exit in the event of an
emergency. Please review the Safety Briefing Card in the seat pocket in front of you, then
contact a flight attendant if you cannot or do not wish to operate the exit."
Translation: "All wimps outta the exit rows. That goes for you, too,
grandma"
"In the unlikely event of a water landing…." (This is my
favorite.)
Translation: "In case we crash in a substantial body of water…."
Name me one time that any of those 7-series, Boeing jobs has ever glided in for a nice
touchdown on the ocean.
"In most cases the seat cushion may be used as a flotation aid."
Translation: "…except maybe in your case."
"In case of a power loss, an escape path or emergency lighting system will
direct you to all exits."
Translation: "If you're alive after a crash, get your ass out of the
airplane."
"If
there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your
seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest
mask and pull it firmly toward you. This action starts the flow of oxygen.
Please ensure the plastic bag is clear of the mask and place the yellow cup
over your nose and mouth. Continue to breathe normally."
Translation: "If the fuselage pops, all the air will get sucked out of the
passenger cabin, the temperature will likely drop to 20 degrees below zero in a few
moments, and the flight crew will declare an emergency. Get that plastic cup to your face
in five seconds or you will be taking a very long nap." (Continue to breathe
normally? Fat chance.)
"The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt Sign. While you are seated,
you should keep your seatbelt fastened."
Translation: "At any moment you could be flung into the air and batted around
like a steel ball in a pinball machine."
"In preparation for landing, please adjust your seatbacks so they are in the
upright position, stow your tray tables. Place carry-on luggage under the seat in front of
you."
Translation: "There is a chance we could crash-land. Better get ready."
(If we were being prepared for "landing," why all the fuss about making it easy
to get out of our seats and keeping the aisles clear?)
"Buh-bye."
© 2000 Applied Psychology
Related Err Travel columns:
Dead err - Why passengers never die
in-flight
Flying on my terms - Air travel glossary
... and from Travel Fox:
Inn-terpreter
coming to the States - Device makes it possible to understand hotel
staff
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