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14 July 1999
Parasites in paradise
I mix my own brand of criminal repellent
By Terry Riley
The Hawaiian Islands, for all their allure, are squarely in the tropics and
support all the environmental conditions that appeal to blood sucking
parasites. So on my latest trip to the islands, I was ready. I packed plenty
of Cutter insect repellent. (Being ticked-off while traveling is bad enough;
being "ticked-on" can be a whole lot worse.)
So how smug I felt when my wife and I checked into a condo for a week on
Kauai's Poipu Beach. There it was. Along with our keys was a note that read,
"Sometimes there are parasites in paradise who prey upon the
unsuspecting few." Aha! I'm ready. I've got my Cutter, and according to the
blister pack, "all the protection [needed] for a day outdoors."
The note read on: "Wherever you are, it is always a good idea to protect
yourself and your valuables." Your valuables? The mosquitoes here must be
huge.
I read further: "Be sure to lock your vehicles... take your valuables
with you... be certain that your lanai doors are secure." Huge? They must be
GIGANTIC!
I'm a travel safety and security expert, and I've never heard of
parasites so enormous that....Wait a minute....I get it.
Of course! I have heard of these oversized vermin. They are not
indigenous just to the tropics. They can be found here, in the arctic, and
all places in between. And Cutter isn't going to do us any good against
these bloodsuckers. It may make us "invisible to bugs," but with our
Coppertone smeared, Casper-colored faces sticking out of our matching
Hawaiian print shirt/muu muu combo set from Hilo Hattie's we are anything
but invisible to humans with eyesight of 20/600 or better. Add to that the
Kodak disposable cameras we are carrying, and the shiny new Budget
rent-a-car we are riding around in and insect repellent has little chance of
protecting us from the common, American, two-legged cockroach.
We need something stronger, much stronger. We need "criminal repellent."
Fortunately, I carry criminal repellent whenever I travel. It is my own
concoction, and it seems to work pretty well. In the past while I've had it
applied, I have been "bitten" only twice by lowlife bipeds. And the harm was
minor, requiring no medical treatment. Once I had my telephone credit card
number kyped by some unseen crook while using a pay phone in La Guardia
airport; another time, in Kansas City, some delinquent somehow got into my
locked hotel room while I was away and cleaned out the mini-bar. Nothing
else, just the mini-bar. Go figure. I think my formula works pretty well.
Here's my secret recipe for criminal repellent:
 One
part planning (I learn about the locale before I arrive)
One
part vigilance (I try to be alert to what's going on around me)
One
part caution (I'm suspicious of everybody)
Seven
parts common sense (After all, this is not a miracle formula to cure cancer)
This repellent works. Try it on your next trip wherever you expect to
find pitiless parasites—i.e., everywhere.
If you have a formula for keeping dangerous parasites at bay, I'd like
to hear about it. E-mail me at
riley@errtravel.com. I'll pass it on to others to keep the ticks off of
us who are already ticked-off.
P.S. Take some Cutter too.
© 1999 Applied Psychology
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