Pistols to replace oxygen masks on airlines

Vigilante Airway will fly "locked and loaded" 

FAIRFAX, Va. -- Following the success of AiRifle Air Lines, the major domestic airline owned by the National Rambo Association (NRA), Vigilante Airways announced today that by year's end, it will replace the oxygen masks in all its airplanes with easy to use, aim-and-fire pistols.

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In an unusually cooperative effort with the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) and Smith and Western, suppliers of the In-Flight Special®, Vigilante was able to receive approval of this modification to its fleet in near record time.

At the news conference held here today, a flight attendant demonstrated the deployment of the In-Flight Special, as Vigilante chairman Westley Waterhouse played up his airline's slogan: "Vigilante: The airline you can count on—sure as shootin'!"

In his remarks, Waterhouse noted that one of its competitors, AiRifle Airlines, has not had a single hijacking since that airline instituted a "must-carry" requirement almost five years ago. "In fact," noted Waterhouse, "in the past half-decade of flying, that airline has never had a passenger so much as raise his voice or even dare to frown aboard any of their planes."

To accommodate the removal of oxygen masks, the addition of up 187 firearms per aircraft and the consequent changes in on-board procedures, the FAA's mandated passenger pre-flight briefing will include the following statement:

In case of a potential hijacking incident, the captain will deploy the overhead firearm system. Reach up, grab the pistol above your head, pull it all the way toward you until the lanyard disengages. Take a firm hold of the pistol grip, aim it toward the aisle and disengage the safety. The pistol will be ready to fire even though the grip is cool to the touch. Keep hold of the pistol and make sure that your gun is ready to discharge before assisting other passengers with theirs.

In a telephone survey, Err Travel has found that, at this time, no other airline plans to follow Vigilante's lead. Instead they are taking a wait-and-see position.

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